Weight Loss is on hold

Below you will find something I posted to my facebook. Not sure why I didn't post it here.

So far we have made it to 15 weeks in my pregnancy! That is so exciting. We are hoping to last at least another 20 weeks!
So being pregnant puts my weight loss goals on hold, for now. I still intend to loose weight. Just have to wait a few more weeks. <3
I have lost 30 pounds since my heaviest! WOAH! What an accomplishment. Though, 10 of those pounds were while pregnant and very sick! So I'm hoping I can keep those pounds off after little Peanut gets here.

I think I'll keep the blog going with Pregnancy updates.

Starting weight: 275
Current weight: 245
Goal weight: 160 (hahahaha)

When Joyful news isn't so joyful
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at 9:49am | Edit Note | Delete
I'm going to attempt to explain why I have been loosing my mind lately. Many of you won't understand. Many of you just won't get it.

I have severe kidney disease. I've had my disease for 9 years. It's taken me 9 years (or longer, since i only found out 9 years ago) to go from 95 percent kidney function down to 20 percent. This is a miracle. I am very lucky and very blessed. Many people with my disease have started dialysis already and are on a transplant list. I have had 2 beautiful children and am still kicking it old school.
While pregant with my oldest (almost 7 now) I was put on bedrest 3 months and then hospitalized 7 weeks before he was born. The treatment plan was not fun.
With my second (5 now) I was able to do my treatments at home, but with the knowledge if I didn't take it easy I would be hospitalized again. I worked until I couldn't anymore, and then he pulled me from work about 2 months before she got here. "Bedrest" doesn't work so well with a toddler, lol. But I did okay enough to not need hospitalized again. She was born, but spent some time in the NICU (1 week).
Four, almost 5 now, years ago I had a large Pulmonary Embolism (bloodclot in my lung). The ER doctor had tears in his eyes when he told me. He wasn't even going to look for that. But my nephrologist (kidney doctor) insisted he do more than an X-ray. My family doctor pretty much told me I would have died if I waited any longer. My guardian angel sure was looking out for me. I'm stubborn about going to the ER, let me tell you. I really am. With all my problems, I still think I'm super woman ;) lol. I had a very dear friend (Missy) pretty much force me do what my doctor said (go to the ER), she drove me. It was good having her there. Martin go there ASAP. But I was in the hospital for a week.
Almost 3 years ago (come January), we were preparing for dialysis. I went through the class and everything. It took me 3 years to go from 25 percent to 20. I've been mentally prepared for kidney failure for a long time. Many people don't have that blessing. Some people have instant failure, so they feel bitter and don't understand. Some people didn't know they had a problem, and are angry. Some people refuse to do certain things to help themselves get better. I've not had the problem. I'm not bitter at all. I've been ready for a long time. Willing for the next step towards transplant. Praying for peace, knowing it's inevitable. Praying for a miracle, even for the miracle of medicine.

So that is very brief, "health history" of me. What's wrong now? I'm pregnant. It's very hard for me to be joyful about this. The baby is a blessing, it will be worth it. Do you know how hard it is to continue telling myself that? I know it will, but to think I may not even be able to carry the baby long enough for the little one to survive is terrifying. I am scared. I am tired. I don't want to loose the baby. I'm, physically, okay right now. But with as low a function as I have chances are good that my kidneys will get worse. Dialysis and pregnancy does not work so well. I will not die, but the baby might. Then again, the baby might not. The doctors are going to do what they can to get me and the baby through this.
Yesterday the doctor "laid it out", so we would know what's ahead. Things don't look so good.

I'm sorry for being crazy chick for a few weeks. It's been really hard not telling anyone. It's harder now, telling people. Especially since I don't know how to be happy. I feel like it's my fault if I loose the baby, which I know is ridiculous.

I want this baby so bad, I think I will have a nervous breakdown. I'm trying not to be stressed, but it's really really hard.

Please do not pity me, or feel bad, or make the "I'm sorry" faces. Just pray and send good thoughts.I'm usually stronger than this and it drives me nuts that I don't feel so strong right now. I love my little baby already and the thought of me not being able to take care of the wee one makes me sick. Sick of it all. I'm not one who likes having her Faith tested, because in my heart I know God's plan is better than my plan. My mind is just having a hard time at the moment understanding.

So, yeah. Prayers, prayers, and prayers would be very nice right now. I want this to be happy news, and it will eventually. When I get past the being paniced and not know what to do stage.

All the best efforts go by the wayside

Labor Day weekend sure blew my great record of cutting out the soda! There was CokaCola in the house. *angry eyes* Martins Aunt brought over a case for the weekend. Guess what, Martin and I both succumbed to the temptation of that bubbly soda. I think I drank like 2 a day. *sigh*
I did go on a bike ride with the kids and a walk. But not everyday like I want. I have to push myself to do it. Why do I think I need someone else to help me? I don't like depending on people for much, but when it comes to this I feel I have to! Why is that? Why can't I just do it? Why can't I get the motivation, every day!

I want to do it. I just get to lost or caught up in other things. It's so frustrating for me

Today, I will go for a walk.

What do you mean it's been since April?

I'm not sure where the rest of Spring and Summer went. I must have lost them amongst the chaos.

I am down to 257 pound! That's great for me! My heaviest was 275!! I stopped buying soda for the house! I think that has helped a lot. I will get a soda if we go to the restaurants, but at least I'm not drinking them at home anymore. I have cheated the last couple of days and gone down to Ricker's. I need to stop doing that!

I've been doing okay with walking and riding my bike with the kids. I need more motivation every day. I wish I had someone to make me do it. I want to loose wait, I need to loose weight. BUT I can now ride the bike a mile without feeling like death walking! That's something, right? Yesterday the kids and I "speed" (as fast as you can go when kids are wearing down) walked around Shadyside. We did 1 and 1/2 mile, which is great! I felt so good.

I wish we lived closer to a nice park, maybe I'd walk it everyday.

Keep me in your prayers! I want to change my body for my own health. I need to be here for my kids and my husband. I know they are happy with who I am but I'm not happy with what I weigh.








Starting weight: 275
Current weight: 257
Goal weight: 160 (hahahaha)

Forecast: sunny

Little Miss is sick, again. It's very frustrating. I don't know why she keeps getting sick. She's laying and moaning on the couch. It's a very pitiful sight. Her big brother has been bouncing off the walls and driving me insane. What does this mother do? Force them both outside into the fresh air and sun.

Yep, instead of sitting inside we went for a walk around the neighborhood. Nothing to long. Sis did well until about 1/2 way then she kept complaining of her legs hurting.

She is currently laying in the overstuffed chair and looking quite sleepy. It's only 3:30 but I'm thinking of giving her a bath now and sending her to bed...


I'm hoping the weather stays fairly nice, I love getting outside and walking. It makes me feel better.

I've been so tired lately, but all I can do is suck it up and go on with my life.

Doing well

So these last few days have been pretty good. I've been walking around the block with the kids. It's about almost a mile, the way I go. Not quite, but almost.
I also walked down the gas station, which roundtrip is a 1.5 miles. If the weather continues staying nice, I think I can keep this up.

I like walking, walking relaxes me. Especially if it's a nice day outside.

Q: How does liberty die?

A: with thunderous applause

'Once the crisis has abated, I will lay down these powers'

One day at a time

Friday was nice! The weather was wonderful. Martin was "sick", but not really sick. He just took a half day off (he still had to go to Borders in the evening). We went to shadyside and walked for a bit, not the whole thing but it was still nice to get out. We just spent the day together as a family, which was so very nice! We really miss him.

Saturday and Sunday I didn't manage to do any good walks, I sure wasn't feeling well. Man. Almost every time I eat something now, my stomach gives me fits. I get dizzy and nauseated. I might as well stop eating, but I know I can't do that either.