Tired of it

I am so tired of feeling so sick and tired all the time. There are some days I just want to jump off a bridge, literally. Of course, I won't do that. I just feel like it.

I know deep down that if I lose some weight, I would feel better. Not perfect, because my kidney's won't get better. But maybe if I lose some weight I might feel a bit better. I don't know what it feels like to feel good. I have had my health issues for so long, that I'm used to it. *sigh*

Why can't I motivate myself to actually get off my butt? I always say "I'll do it" and then I do..but stop about 3 weeks later. During those 3 weeks, I tend to feel better. But something always happens that makes me "not want to do it today" and then that day turns into 3 months. *sigh* I wish I had someone to keep me active, make me do it. My friend Angela used to call me and say "Alright now get up and do your walk", she did this every day before work. Now she is sick and can't do that. Which is completely fine, and I pray for her healing. Now that she can't do it, I'm accountable to nobody. Martin says "I'll make you accountable". but he doesn't or I don't listen.

I want to join the Biggest Loser. Seriously. I don't know if they would take me with all my health problems, though. I think, well at least for the time I'm there I won't have to do anything else. It would be all about me! They would teach me how to cook properly, what exercises would be good for me...
I don't have money to join a gym, even if I found the money I have no one to keep my kids for an hour each day (or even 4 days a week).

Maybe I'll use my blog to keep me accountable.

Starting weight: 275
Current weight: 275...heaviest I've ever been. I feel like a cow.
Goal weight: 160 (hahahaha)