Today was not a good day...

To start off, I DID do my walk! YAY for me. That kind of helped me get through my day. I wasn't even exhausted after I did it! Huzzah.

I had a doctors appointment today, with my kidney doc.
My kidney function was down to 18.5% in December. For January it was 20%. It's been fluctuating between 20-23% for a year now..nearly 2 years actually. So that 18.5% really just made me go..CRAP.
Over the next 3 months we are going to start the next step. I need to start contacting friends and family and letting them know. Some friends and family offered to be a living donor, so we'll need to find out if I actually have any matches. Better to start now, even if the transplant may not happen for a year. I will need to start classes down at St. V's clinic. They will help with the insurance and figuring out finances.
I've had this problem for going on 9 years, so I've known this was going to happen. It's nothing new. I'm a "lucky" one, because my particular disease I should have been on dialysis/had transplant 6 years ago. *sigh* PLUS with having 2 kids. I know God has been with me. I know I will get through this.
It's just very in my face at the moment. I think about my health all the time. I watch my diet. But I've been doing this for 9 years, it's just something I've gotten used to. I think a lot of people kind of either forget or got desensitized about my disease. I don't LOOK sick. I don't ACT sick (I put on a good front). I've had it for so long, it's just not what people think about. PRAISE GOD for that. I don't like pity. I don't won't pity. I'm glad I can just be me.
But now I have to bring it back out in the open and not just say "I'm fine". I'm not fine. I'm scared. What am I going to do with the kids during class? I know Kim will help, but she has a million things going on as well.
Martin's family is an hour away. Sonja said she'd help but she's 45 minutes away now. I just am scared.
I miss Martin so freaking much. I want him to be home with me. I can't get a job, I'm so tired now..how can I even get a job? I want him to stop working so hard. But with out him we wouldn't have a home or food. I love him so much..I just miss him.
I'm just a pitiful basket case, aren't I?

But I did do my walk. I HAVE to continue to do my walk and loose weight. I need a transplant/dialysis possibly. You have to help me, kick me in the ass if you have to. Being under 200 would be optimal. So that is my new goal, under 200. Don't want that surgery team laughing in my face because I'm too obese.


Also at the doctors here are my weights
July 2008: 275 (where I was starting from)
October 2008: 269 (forgot this one)
January 2009: 262.5 !! Huzzah! So...just gotta keep it going.