Broken

So - I gave my older daughter a musical Little Miss Muffet statue that was important to me. I didn't want to get rid of it, but I was purging after we moved, so I thought she was old enough to have it. I was happy to let her have it and knew she would take care of it. It has sat peacefully on a shelf for awhile. She loved it as much as I did. It was one of the few gifts that I ever got from my dad after my parents divorce, which is a long story, but I treasured it so much. I had it since I was probably 10, so 24 years at least. I don't know why I always kept it, but I did. All these years it was always something I kept. But I gave it to my daughter, his oldest granddaughter, and explained why it should be kept safe but that it was hers now.

Well - a preschool age sister happened to decide that today would be a perfect day to start shaking the book shelf it was sitting on. She is 3 and was trying to get the Twilight Sparkle down, apparently. The items on the top shelf fell and the only thing that sustained damage was the statue. Broke right in half. It can probably be glued back together.

I am sad and so is Sissy, but I am also proud. She cried but picked up the statue and brought it downstairs to show me. She didn't hide it. She also didn't scream and yell at her little sister. She showed it to me and waited. I took her example, because sometimes the kids can be the teachers, and just sighed. I called the littles down and let them tell me what happened. We talked about asking for help instead of shaking the shelf and then I let them go play.

Sissy's statue may or may not be able to be fixed, but I did no damage to my children's inner self at this moment. I mean, I'm sure I did plenty of damage on other days (what parent hasn't), but this is not a moment they will remember fear and anxiety.

Weight checks

Wow, looking at this list makes me realize that I CAN do it, just takes effort! I had lost and gained, lost and gained. Just wow.
We need to do this. I have to do this. For my own sanity.





Starting weight:
295 pounds Dec 2014 heaviest
284.25 pounds Dec 2013 heaviest
new baby May 2013
kidney transplant June 2012
275 pounds July 2010 (after Peanut)
245 ponds Jan 2010 (before Peanut)
257 pounds Sept 2009
262.5 pounds January 2009
269 pounds October 2008
 275 pounds July 2008


Current weight: 295 pounds
Goal weight: 160 (hahahaha)

I walked a mile.

I walked a mile. I have been pretty "down" lately, lots going on in my head and in my world. Went to see a new doctor, to see if I can come off the coumadin, and the scale was not helping my mood. My heart sank. I am at my heaviest. EVER! EVER! What in the world. I didn't think I was eating more, but I know I am moving less. So today I decided to pop in my walk DVD. I walked a mile today. This baby weight is not coming off, even with the other 3 I did not have this pooch. The baby weight is deciding to stay, is it because I had an emergency c-section? My abdomen was not able to push her out. I walked a mile today! It's a start, it's a beginning. We have to start somewhere. So I have decided to start today, with my mile. My children are now my motivation. I have a new kidney, so now I must continue to focus on why this is important. I want to be able to wear my clothes. I want to be able to chase my 3 year old without getting out of breath. I can do this, with your help. Please help me focus on my future. I walked a mile today and now I have my beginning.


Starting weight: 284.25 pounds new heaviest
old heaviest 275 pounds
Current weight: 284.25 pounds
Goal weight: 160 (hahahaha)

Update

I am going to try to get back on the wagon of losing weight. Just a quick update. I had my transplant! I am feeling great. I also had a beautiful baby girl! We are now a family of six. I will post a better update soon. I have plans to lose weight and that is why I started this blog. Maybe I'll even track what I am eating and someone can tell me what I am doing wrong. :)

Facing life head on, no hall passes allowed.

Today I had an appointment with my nephrologist. I see her every 2-3 months or more depending on what my labs are looking like. Today the questions were the same but many of the answers were different.

"How do you feel?" - Tired
"How are your energy levels?" - crappy
"What is 2+2?" - Well typically doctor it equals 4, but today I have to subtract 2, multiply by 0, and remember to add my love to the equation.
Okay that last question wasn't asked. She always asks me "How do you do all that you do?" - My answer is about the same. I subtract 2, multiply by 0 and add love. Love is how I do what I do. Because I love my husband, my kids, my family and friends so much I can't see myself NOT doing it.
Today I asked "Can you write me a note saying I can go stand in the hall while everyone who needs me suffers?" I love my doctor, she smiles and says "You are awesome".

I am awesome. But I am also tired. So tired lately I want to cry. My washing machine is broken, people are coming over for Christmas, JulieMaySmith and BobbyJoeSmith need me somewhere somehow. Do I let myself stop and just say "I'm sorry, my kidneys are not working you will have to ask someone else for help.". NO WAY! That is not me. Sometimes I will say not today but tomorrow. But 99% of the time, if I am able, I will help Julie and Bobby. Why? Because I love them. God has given me to them to help them, to give them all I am. I carry my cross with a light heart, because I know that this is not the end.

I have a life to live and that life is worth every bit of silent suffering I go through. I do not want to let my life slip me by. I do not want my children to miss out on anything, and I am not going to miss out on them. My children are my world and they deserve a mother who will not give up.

Okay now the doctor tells me that "Your GFR was 14 (!!!) in October and 13 (!!!!) in November. Were you sick at all? " - Yes in November around Thanksgiving I was very sick. "okay, I will see how your labs look next week."

We started talking about my pending transplant. She was very excited for me that I have been on the waiting list for a year! This is great news. "Do you have a living donor?" - Yes, probably. You know how life and God can always throw things in the paths of people who aren't expecting it? At this point, yes but who knows in 6 month or more.
My possible donor could have so many things happen. So while we wait and pray for that situation we also know that things happen. We would all understand, because it is a life long decision for that person as well. We may have to wait for a deceased donor kidney, that could take 2-5 years from when listed on UNOS (or longer, or shorter).
So what is our next step with my kidney function so low? PD. At home, peritoneal dialysis. I got to see all the equipment again and learn a bit about how it works. My doctor said, "We may only have to do it for 6 months, but it could be needed for longer". So at this point we could have to start this in a month or two.

This is kind of scary, yet it is expected. This is what I have been planning to do for years. Now the reality could be around the corner. I also know, in the back of my mind, we may not need to do this at all.

I may need to ask for a bit more help, but my plan is to save all that help for after I have my transplant! To think I will be at the mercy of friends and family for at least 6 weeks after transplant is mind boggling. I know that my family and friends will take care of me, but I just see how it is my job to take care of you.

God gave me the passion to serve, when I am able. He put me here to give my all, even if I have to take a nap because my body is wearing out. Know that my soul and intentions will never give up. I will be here, doing what I know how to do! So if you need a friend, give me a call. God created me to love you and serve you.

weight

Starting weight: 275
Current weight: 250
Goal weight: 160 (hahahaha)

17 week appointment

Appointment went well. We opted not to find out which gender Peanut will be. Though we will have at least an unltrasound every 4 more weeks (yay for being high risk, blarg). Doctors due date is 7-4-10. Baby is looking good, awfully squirming for the ultrasound tech again. But things are looking great ♥ Was told I'm not eating enough by the doc (who is not my doc). But the nurse (who has done this 2 other times with me) disagrees. I've lost weight since before I was pregnant, but I'm also not retaining water like a balloon, like normal. *shrugs*

Weight Loss is on hold

Below you will find something I posted to my facebook. Not sure why I didn't post it here.

So far we have made it to 15 weeks in my pregnancy! That is so exciting. We are hoping to last at least another 20 weeks!
So being pregnant puts my weight loss goals on hold, for now. I still intend to loose weight. Just have to wait a few more weeks. <3
I have lost 30 pounds since my heaviest! WOAH! What an accomplishment. Though, 10 of those pounds were while pregnant and very sick! So I'm hoping I can keep those pounds off after little Peanut gets here.

I think I'll keep the blog going with Pregnancy updates.

Starting weight: 275
Current weight: 245
Goal weight: 160 (hahahaha)

When Joyful news isn't so joyful
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at 9:49am | Edit Note | Delete
I'm going to attempt to explain why I have been loosing my mind lately. Many of you won't understand. Many of you just won't get it.

I have severe kidney disease. I've had my disease for 9 years. It's taken me 9 years (or longer, since i only found out 9 years ago) to go from 95 percent kidney function down to 20 percent. This is a miracle. I am very lucky and very blessed. Many people with my disease have started dialysis already and are on a transplant list. I have had 2 beautiful children and am still kicking it old school.
While pregant with my oldest (almost 7 now) I was put on bedrest 3 months and then hospitalized 7 weeks before he was born. The treatment plan was not fun.
With my second (5 now) I was able to do my treatments at home, but with the knowledge if I didn't take it easy I would be hospitalized again. I worked until I couldn't anymore, and then he pulled me from work about 2 months before she got here. "Bedrest" doesn't work so well with a toddler, lol. But I did okay enough to not need hospitalized again. She was born, but spent some time in the NICU (1 week).
Four, almost 5 now, years ago I had a large Pulmonary Embolism (bloodclot in my lung). The ER doctor had tears in his eyes when he told me. He wasn't even going to look for that. But my nephrologist (kidney doctor) insisted he do more than an X-ray. My family doctor pretty much told me I would have died if I waited any longer. My guardian angel sure was looking out for me. I'm stubborn about going to the ER, let me tell you. I really am. With all my problems, I still think I'm super woman ;) lol. I had a very dear friend (Missy) pretty much force me do what my doctor said (go to the ER), she drove me. It was good having her there. Martin go there ASAP. But I was in the hospital for a week.
Almost 3 years ago (come January), we were preparing for dialysis. I went through the class and everything. It took me 3 years to go from 25 percent to 20. I've been mentally prepared for kidney failure for a long time. Many people don't have that blessing. Some people have instant failure, so they feel bitter and don't understand. Some people didn't know they had a problem, and are angry. Some people refuse to do certain things to help themselves get better. I've not had the problem. I'm not bitter at all. I've been ready for a long time. Willing for the next step towards transplant. Praying for peace, knowing it's inevitable. Praying for a miracle, even for the miracle of medicine.

So that is very brief, "health history" of me. What's wrong now? I'm pregnant. It's very hard for me to be joyful about this. The baby is a blessing, it will be worth it. Do you know how hard it is to continue telling myself that? I know it will, but to think I may not even be able to carry the baby long enough for the little one to survive is terrifying. I am scared. I am tired. I don't want to loose the baby. I'm, physically, okay right now. But with as low a function as I have chances are good that my kidneys will get worse. Dialysis and pregnancy does not work so well. I will not die, but the baby might. Then again, the baby might not. The doctors are going to do what they can to get me and the baby through this.
Yesterday the doctor "laid it out", so we would know what's ahead. Things don't look so good.

I'm sorry for being crazy chick for a few weeks. It's been really hard not telling anyone. It's harder now, telling people. Especially since I don't know how to be happy. I feel like it's my fault if I loose the baby, which I know is ridiculous.

I want this baby so bad, I think I will have a nervous breakdown. I'm trying not to be stressed, but it's really really hard.

Please do not pity me, or feel bad, or make the "I'm sorry" faces. Just pray and send good thoughts.I'm usually stronger than this and it drives me nuts that I don't feel so strong right now. I love my little baby already and the thought of me not being able to take care of the wee one makes me sick. Sick of it all. I'm not one who likes having her Faith tested, because in my heart I know God's plan is better than my plan. My mind is just having a hard time at the moment understanding.

So, yeah. Prayers, prayers, and prayers would be very nice right now. I want this to be happy news, and it will eventually. When I get past the being paniced and not know what to do stage.

All the best efforts go by the wayside

Labor Day weekend sure blew my great record of cutting out the soda! There was CokaCola in the house. *angry eyes* Martins Aunt brought over a case for the weekend. Guess what, Martin and I both succumbed to the temptation of that bubbly soda. I think I drank like 2 a day. *sigh*
I did go on a bike ride with the kids and a walk. But not everyday like I want. I have to push myself to do it. Why do I think I need someone else to help me? I don't like depending on people for much, but when it comes to this I feel I have to! Why is that? Why can't I just do it? Why can't I get the motivation, every day!

I want to do it. I just get to lost or caught up in other things. It's so frustrating for me

Today, I will go for a walk.

What do you mean it's been since April?

I'm not sure where the rest of Spring and Summer went. I must have lost them amongst the chaos.

I am down to 257 pound! That's great for me! My heaviest was 275!! I stopped buying soda for the house! I think that has helped a lot. I will get a soda if we go to the restaurants, but at least I'm not drinking them at home anymore. I have cheated the last couple of days and gone down to Ricker's. I need to stop doing that!

I've been doing okay with walking and riding my bike with the kids. I need more motivation every day. I wish I had someone to make me do it. I want to loose wait, I need to loose weight. BUT I can now ride the bike a mile without feeling like death walking! That's something, right? Yesterday the kids and I "speed" (as fast as you can go when kids are wearing down) walked around Shadyside. We did 1 and 1/2 mile, which is great! I felt so good.

I wish we lived closer to a nice park, maybe I'd walk it everyday.

Keep me in your prayers! I want to change my body for my own health. I need to be here for my kids and my husband. I know they are happy with who I am but I'm not happy with what I weigh.








Starting weight: 275
Current weight: 257
Goal weight: 160 (hahahaha)

Forecast: sunny

Little Miss is sick, again. It's very frustrating. I don't know why she keeps getting sick. She's laying and moaning on the couch. It's a very pitiful sight. Her big brother has been bouncing off the walls and driving me insane. What does this mother do? Force them both outside into the fresh air and sun.

Yep, instead of sitting inside we went for a walk around the neighborhood. Nothing to long. Sis did well until about 1/2 way then she kept complaining of her legs hurting.

She is currently laying in the overstuffed chair and looking quite sleepy. It's only 3:30 but I'm thinking of giving her a bath now and sending her to bed...


I'm hoping the weather stays fairly nice, I love getting outside and walking. It makes me feel better.

I've been so tired lately, but all I can do is suck it up and go on with my life.

Doing well

So these last few days have been pretty good. I've been walking around the block with the kids. It's about almost a mile, the way I go. Not quite, but almost.
I also walked down the gas station, which roundtrip is a 1.5 miles. If the weather continues staying nice, I think I can keep this up.

I like walking, walking relaxes me. Especially if it's a nice day outside.

Q: How does liberty die?

A: with thunderous applause

'Once the crisis has abated, I will lay down these powers'

One day at a time

Friday was nice! The weather was wonderful. Martin was "sick", but not really sick. He just took a half day off (he still had to go to Borders in the evening). We went to shadyside and walked for a bit, not the whole thing but it was still nice to get out. We just spent the day together as a family, which was so very nice! We really miss him.

Saturday and Sunday I didn't manage to do any good walks, I sure wasn't feeling well. Man. Almost every time I eat something now, my stomach gives me fits. I get dizzy and nauseated. I might as well stop eating, but I know I can't do that either.

*Blows dust off keyboard*

Wow, it sure has been awhile. I can't believe I stopped writing a blog! I was really enjoying doing this to. Life just gets to busy I guess. I don't get on the computer during the day and have to wait until Martin gets home, then I check my e-mail, facebook, forums, youtube, etc etc and sort of "forget" about blogging and the reasons I need to!

I haven't blogged and I stopped walking. I feel like sleeping all day long, but can't. I have the kids, so I get up feed them and then do school. I fix lunch. Then I sometimes fall asleep on the couch. My arms ache, tingle, burn...can't really describe what it feels like. It's like very muscle in my body is revolting against me. My house is such a wrech, I would be so ashamed if anyone came over. I need to get my energy levels up, but I can't. It's so hard.

OH! I did mop the floor the other day, but had to keep stopping because I kept getting dizzy. I'm not out of breathe or anything. I just feel like I'm going to pass out. I can't really tell if it's because my kidneys are functioning so low or what. I barely have the energy to do dishes and I expect myself to walk?

I'm hoping that the weather stays nice out! (63 out today). I want to walk, I really do. Maybe if it's nice, I'll feel like taking the kids out for a walk. Here's to hoping.

The kids are doing fairly well. I'm thinking about going with an actual curriculum for next year, instead of trying to do my own. I'm hoping it will help with my low energy, I'll just have to teach it and not make the lesson.
I've been losing my temper more than I like. I'm hoping it's just because I'm so exhausted and don't feel well. It wasn't so bad yesterday but last week was like I was a monster!

Anyway, heres to hoping I get back on my blogs and walking! Thanks for reading.

Today was not a good day...

To start off, I DID do my walk! YAY for me. That kind of helped me get through my day. I wasn't even exhausted after I did it! Huzzah.

I had a doctors appointment today, with my kidney doc.
My kidney function was down to 18.5% in December. For January it was 20%. It's been fluctuating between 20-23% for a year now..nearly 2 years actually. So that 18.5% really just made me go..CRAP.
Over the next 3 months we are going to start the next step. I need to start contacting friends and family and letting them know. Some friends and family offered to be a living donor, so we'll need to find out if I actually have any matches. Better to start now, even if the transplant may not happen for a year. I will need to start classes down at St. V's clinic. They will help with the insurance and figuring out finances.
I've had this problem for going on 9 years, so I've known this was going to happen. It's nothing new. I'm a "lucky" one, because my particular disease I should have been on dialysis/had transplant 6 years ago. *sigh* PLUS with having 2 kids. I know God has been with me. I know I will get through this.
It's just very in my face at the moment. I think about my health all the time. I watch my diet. But I've been doing this for 9 years, it's just something I've gotten used to. I think a lot of people kind of either forget or got desensitized about my disease. I don't LOOK sick. I don't ACT sick (I put on a good front). I've had it for so long, it's just not what people think about. PRAISE GOD for that. I don't like pity. I don't won't pity. I'm glad I can just be me.
But now I have to bring it back out in the open and not just say "I'm fine". I'm not fine. I'm scared. What am I going to do with the kids during class? I know Kim will help, but she has a million things going on as well.
Martin's family is an hour away. Sonja said she'd help but she's 45 minutes away now. I just am scared.
I miss Martin so freaking much. I want him to be home with me. I can't get a job, I'm so tired now..how can I even get a job? I want him to stop working so hard. But with out him we wouldn't have a home or food. I love him so much..I just miss him.
I'm just a pitiful basket case, aren't I?

But I did do my walk. I HAVE to continue to do my walk and loose weight. I need a transplant/dialysis possibly. You have to help me, kick me in the ass if you have to. Being under 200 would be optimal. So that is my new goal, under 200. Don't want that surgery team laughing in my face because I'm too obese.


Also at the doctors here are my weights
July 2008: 275 (where I was starting from)
October 2008: 269 (forgot this one)
January 2009: 262.5 !! Huzzah! So...just gotta keep it going.

1 more day down

So I did do my walk yesterday, YAY! Makes me feel good when I do it...

I did not, however do my walk today. Why? I was simply exhausted. That's all I can really say.

Goal: walk tomorrow

Failure, time to reboot

I'm a total slacker and failure at this. I was so proud of myself for doing those 2 days. Then I posted I would do my third day, and well.. I didn't do it. I don't remember why I didn't do it, but I didn't. So Saturday came and again, didn't do my walk.
In struts Sunday and then Monday...and here I am on Tuesday night and that's 3 more days I DIDN'T do my walk! What is my problem? How is it I can be so proud, and feeling so good about it..then one day of not doing it turns into 4 days?

Okay, gotta reboot the system. I can't get on the computer much to update, which will turn out to be a good thing.

Goal for tomorrow: Reboot and start again. 1 mile in the morning...*sigh*.

Today will be day 3!!!

I'm about to go in to do my 15 min walk again! I'm not a morning person, I know if I do it in the morning it will boost my metabolism...I'm just happy I'm actually doing one each day. I'm hoping to start doing them when I wake up, AND other walks throughout the day. When the weather is bette, I'll do a walk in the morning and then the kids and I will do a walk outside!

Martin is going to check to see how much those exercise balls are at his store. I found one at Wal-mart fot $19 and it came with a DVD. If he can't get it cheaper, then I'll go back and get it. If I'm going to commit myself, I might as well really do it!

The "stair"-robics really hurt my legs and they are aching, but I'm also going to do that again.

Wish me luck!

To walk or not to walk ~Update

I didn't get back on to update yesterday. BUT I DID do my walk!!! YAY! Kind of wore me out, but have to work myself back up to it! I had my water on the T.V. if I needed it. I've found having water helps me not get so out of breathe. *high five self* Good job!

I also got some laundry folded and a lot of blankets washed.

Today's mission: 1 mile walk and more laundry.

I need to start counting my calories. For now, I think I'm just going to make sure I do my walk. I try to eat smaller portions as it is. Kim did give me a diabetic diet thing, that tells you how many calories in stuff. I'm going to pull that out and re-examine it. But my main focus is the exercise for now.

~Update
I did my walk again today! HUZZAH! I even did some Aerobics. Sure it's homemade Aerobics, but who cares. We have stairs in our home that have 5 steps, a landing, and 5 more steps. So I went up the first 1/2 of the steps to the landing and did about 20 step Aerobics on the landing and next step. For someone who is out of shape, let me tell you that after about 7 or 9 it begins to HURT! GEEZ! My legs hurt, badly. My hips hurt. I just hurt.

HUZZAH for 2 days in a row of exercise and pain. *cries* I can do this..right? Right?