Today was not a good day...

To start off, I DID do my walk! YAY for me. That kind of helped me get through my day. I wasn't even exhausted after I did it! Huzzah.

I had a doctors appointment today, with my kidney doc.
My kidney function was down to 18.5% in December. For January it was 20%. It's been fluctuating between 20-23% for a year now..nearly 2 years actually. So that 18.5% really just made me go..CRAP.
Over the next 3 months we are going to start the next step. I need to start contacting friends and family and letting them know. Some friends and family offered to be a living donor, so we'll need to find out if I actually have any matches. Better to start now, even if the transplant may not happen for a year. I will need to start classes down at St. V's clinic. They will help with the insurance and figuring out finances.
I've had this problem for going on 9 years, so I've known this was going to happen. It's nothing new. I'm a "lucky" one, because my particular disease I should have been on dialysis/had transplant 6 years ago. *sigh* PLUS with having 2 kids. I know God has been with me. I know I will get through this.
It's just very in my face at the moment. I think about my health all the time. I watch my diet. But I've been doing this for 9 years, it's just something I've gotten used to. I think a lot of people kind of either forget or got desensitized about my disease. I don't LOOK sick. I don't ACT sick (I put on a good front). I've had it for so long, it's just not what people think about. PRAISE GOD for that. I don't like pity. I don't won't pity. I'm glad I can just be me.
But now I have to bring it back out in the open and not just say "I'm fine". I'm not fine. I'm scared. What am I going to do with the kids during class? I know Kim will help, but she has a million things going on as well.
Martin's family is an hour away. Sonja said she'd help but she's 45 minutes away now. I just am scared.
I miss Martin so freaking much. I want him to be home with me. I can't get a job, I'm so tired now..how can I even get a job? I want him to stop working so hard. But with out him we wouldn't have a home or food. I love him so much..I just miss him.
I'm just a pitiful basket case, aren't I?

But I did do my walk. I HAVE to continue to do my walk and loose weight. I need a transplant/dialysis possibly. You have to help me, kick me in the ass if you have to. Being under 200 would be optimal. So that is my new goal, under 200. Don't want that surgery team laughing in my face because I'm too obese.


Also at the doctors here are my weights
July 2008: 275 (where I was starting from)
October 2008: 269 (forgot this one)
January 2009: 262.5 !! Huzzah! So...just gotta keep it going.

1 more day down

So I did do my walk yesterday, YAY! Makes me feel good when I do it...

I did not, however do my walk today. Why? I was simply exhausted. That's all I can really say.

Goal: walk tomorrow

Failure, time to reboot

I'm a total slacker and failure at this. I was so proud of myself for doing those 2 days. Then I posted I would do my third day, and well.. I didn't do it. I don't remember why I didn't do it, but I didn't. So Saturday came and again, didn't do my walk.
In struts Sunday and then Monday...and here I am on Tuesday night and that's 3 more days I DIDN'T do my walk! What is my problem? How is it I can be so proud, and feeling so good about it..then one day of not doing it turns into 4 days?

Okay, gotta reboot the system. I can't get on the computer much to update, which will turn out to be a good thing.

Goal for tomorrow: Reboot and start again. 1 mile in the morning...*sigh*.

Today will be day 3!!!

I'm about to go in to do my 15 min walk again! I'm not a morning person, I know if I do it in the morning it will boost my metabolism...I'm just happy I'm actually doing one each day. I'm hoping to start doing them when I wake up, AND other walks throughout the day. When the weather is bette, I'll do a walk in the morning and then the kids and I will do a walk outside!

Martin is going to check to see how much those exercise balls are at his store. I found one at Wal-mart fot $19 and it came with a DVD. If he can't get it cheaper, then I'll go back and get it. If I'm going to commit myself, I might as well really do it!

The "stair"-robics really hurt my legs and they are aching, but I'm also going to do that again.

Wish me luck!

To walk or not to walk ~Update

I didn't get back on to update yesterday. BUT I DID do my walk!!! YAY! Kind of wore me out, but have to work myself back up to it! I had my water on the T.V. if I needed it. I've found having water helps me not get so out of breathe. *high five self* Good job!

I also got some laundry folded and a lot of blankets washed.

Today's mission: 1 mile walk and more laundry.

I need to start counting my calories. For now, I think I'm just going to make sure I do my walk. I try to eat smaller portions as it is. Kim did give me a diabetic diet thing, that tells you how many calories in stuff. I'm going to pull that out and re-examine it. But my main focus is the exercise for now.

~Update
I did my walk again today! HUZZAH! I even did some Aerobics. Sure it's homemade Aerobics, but who cares. We have stairs in our home that have 5 steps, a landing, and 5 more steps. So I went up the first 1/2 of the steps to the landing and did about 20 step Aerobics on the landing and next step. For someone who is out of shape, let me tell you that after about 7 or 9 it begins to HURT! GEEZ! My legs hurt, badly. My hips hurt. I just hurt.

HUZZAH for 2 days in a row of exercise and pain. *cries* I can do this..right? Right?

Today's plan, will it be accomplished?

I am entrusting you with this mission, if you fail to succeed all will be lost...

So it's freezing cold outside! To warm up, I'm going to go in the living room and do my 15 minute walk. The kids are watching a PBS, so I need to turn that off anyway. After my walk, I have laundry to be done. BUT first I am going to walk. I'll let you know how that goes.

Still not motivated enough

I had this plan to get my 1 mile (15 minute) walk done. If I do the 1 mile daily, I can get my stamina back up to do the 2 mile (30 minute) walk. I would love to be able to do a 2 mile in the morning and 1 mile in the evening, eventually..

Anyway, I was planning on doing my walk. I had to take my kids to the doctor today. Just a well-child for each of them. Well at the doc they each got shots, and I asked about the Hep B for myself, thinking I'd just come back another day. My nephrologist wants me to get the Hep B series (3 shots all together), due to needing dialysis in the future (near future). So the doc is like "Well if you do it today, you come back in 1 month, then in 6 months when the kids get their booster" *sigh* Fine..I'll get it today.
And now I just feel like plan crap. My harm hurts, my head hurts...I just don't feel right.


Oh and my friend Kelly had this idea about a "Biggest Loser Mommies" thing. Guess you don't have to be a mom and the age of the child doesn't matter.. Anyway.. She thinks if we get a bunch of us ladies together we could get our weight lost. Her idea was to watch what we eat now, try to walk when we can (videos, malls, farther in parking lots) and then when the weather is nice meet up as a group at parks (Shadyside or 38th street) and do a nice group walk (kids in tow if need be). What do you think??

Goodbye Christmas

So we took down all our Christmas decorations on Sunday. The house feels so drab now. I know many people think we are nuts for leaving them up so long. But we are Catholic and the Christmas season end on the "Baptism of the Lord". So we celebrate Christmas for about 2 1/2 weeks or so. The Sunday AFTER Epiphany (when the wisemen came) end Christmas for us. We set our tree up either the 2nd or 3rd week of Advent, depending on our schedule and leave it up....It's a long time to get used to looking at the beautiful decorations.

But now is the time to start preparing our hearts for Easter. Easter is the biggest feast day, the reason we celebrate any of this! Without Easter, we wouldn't remember the birth at all.

Tired of it

I am so tired of feeling so sick and tired all the time. There are some days I just want to jump off a bridge, literally. Of course, I won't do that. I just feel like it.

I know deep down that if I lose some weight, I would feel better. Not perfect, because my kidney's won't get better. But maybe if I lose some weight I might feel a bit better. I don't know what it feels like to feel good. I have had my health issues for so long, that I'm used to it. *sigh*

Why can't I motivate myself to actually get off my butt? I always say "I'll do it" and then I do..but stop about 3 weeks later. During those 3 weeks, I tend to feel better. But something always happens that makes me "not want to do it today" and then that day turns into 3 months. *sigh* I wish I had someone to keep me active, make me do it. My friend Angela used to call me and say "Alright now get up and do your walk", she did this every day before work. Now she is sick and can't do that. Which is completely fine, and I pray for her healing. Now that she can't do it, I'm accountable to nobody. Martin says "I'll make you accountable". but he doesn't or I don't listen.

I want to join the Biggest Loser. Seriously. I don't know if they would take me with all my health problems, though. I think, well at least for the time I'm there I won't have to do anything else. It would be all about me! They would teach me how to cook properly, what exercises would be good for me...
I don't have money to join a gym, even if I found the money I have no one to keep my kids for an hour each day (or even 4 days a week).

Maybe I'll use my blog to keep me accountable.

Starting weight: 275
Current weight: 275...heaviest I've ever been. I feel like a cow.
Goal weight: 160 (hahahaha)

2008 year in review.

2008!

JANUARY 2008
1 Who kissed you on the new year? My wonderful husband Martin.

2 Did you have a New Year's Resolution this year? don't usually bother.

3 Does it snow where you live? Yes (at least it's supposed to)

4 Do you like hot chocolate? somtimes

5 Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? That would be awesome, but sadly no..


FEBRUARY
1 Who was your Valentine? Martin always is

2 When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class? Yep

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? Not really

4 What did you receive for valentine's day? We don't really do anything

5 What did you give for valentine's day? notta


MARCH
1 Are you Irish? Don't think so

2 Do you like corn beef and cabbage? Cabbage yes, corned beef..no

3 What did you do for St Patrick's Day? same thing I do everyday Pinky.

4 What did you love about this month? hmmmm MavenCon, that last..*pout*


APRIL

1 Do you like the rain? As long as it's not a storm.

2 Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year? nope

3 Do you get tons of candy for Easter? My children do..blarg

4 Do you celebrate 4/20? Only because it's one of my BFF's b-days. But not for that other reason.

5 Do you love the month of April? Sure



MAY

1 What is your favorite flower? daisys...roses..any flower really

2 Finish the phrase "April showers…" Bring May Flowers..

3 Do you celebrate May 16th? I didn't know there was a reason to celebrate anything, other than being thankful we are alive.

4 Is May anything special to you? Mother's Day

JUNE

1 What year did/will you graduate from high school? 2000

2 Did you do anything fun during this Month? besides parks with the kids?? doubtful

3 Have a favorite baseball team? Not really

JULY

1 What did you do on the 4th of July? Went to fireworks with my friend Angela :) Her and the boys came over and had lunch and stuff. That was so much fun! Can't wait to do it again with her.

2 Did you go to the fireworks? yeppers

3 Did you blast the A/C all day? It was most likely on

AUGUST

1 What was your favorite summer memory of '08? GenCon and State fair with kids

2 Did you have a sunburn? yep

3 Did you go to the pool a lot? not a lot


SEPTEMBER

1 Are you attending college/school? not yet

2 Do you like fall better than summer? Yes

3 What happened this month? My birthday, Martin's birthday

OCTOB​ER

What was your last Halloween costume? 2007, wore my Ren dress.

2 What is your favorite candy? smarties and sweettarts

3 What was your favorite thing about this month? Eliza's b-day and I made the kids their Halloween costumes

NOVEMBER

Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? People came to my house this year :)

2 What are you thankful for? My wonderful family

3 Do you love stuffing? I like it, yes.

4 Anything special in this month? nope, can't think of anything that stands out.

DECEMBER

1 Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes! It's the birth of Jesus.

2 Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe? Nope

3 Get anything special this year? Harry Potter box set!! WOOOHOO!! So awesome.

4 What do you want this year? Did really need/want anything.

5 What do you love most about December? Lincoln's b-day!

Welcome 2009

You didn't come in very nice this year! Let's hope it goes down from here. :) Really how much can someone take in a year? About as much as hours 2-24 brought. *sigh* It can only get easier, right?