Facing life head on, no hall passes allowed.

Today I had an appointment with my nephrologist. I see her every 2-3 months or more depending on what my labs are looking like. Today the questions were the same but many of the answers were different.

"How do you feel?" - Tired
"How are your energy levels?" - crappy
"What is 2+2?" - Well typically doctor it equals 4, but today I have to subtract 2, multiply by 0, and remember to add my love to the equation.
Okay that last question wasn't asked. She always asks me "How do you do all that you do?" - My answer is about the same. I subtract 2, multiply by 0 and add love. Love is how I do what I do. Because I love my husband, my kids, my family and friends so much I can't see myself NOT doing it.
Today I asked "Can you write me a note saying I can go stand in the hall while everyone who needs me suffers?" I love my doctor, she smiles and says "You are awesome".

I am awesome. But I am also tired. So tired lately I want to cry. My washing machine is broken, people are coming over for Christmas, JulieMaySmith and BobbyJoeSmith need me somewhere somehow. Do I let myself stop and just say "I'm sorry, my kidneys are not working you will have to ask someone else for help.". NO WAY! That is not me. Sometimes I will say not today but tomorrow. But 99% of the time, if I am able, I will help Julie and Bobby. Why? Because I love them. God has given me to them to help them, to give them all I am. I carry my cross with a light heart, because I know that this is not the end.

I have a life to live and that life is worth every bit of silent suffering I go through. I do not want to let my life slip me by. I do not want my children to miss out on anything, and I am not going to miss out on them. My children are my world and they deserve a mother who will not give up.

Okay now the doctor tells me that "Your GFR was 14 (!!!) in October and 13 (!!!!) in November. Were you sick at all? " - Yes in November around Thanksgiving I was very sick. "okay, I will see how your labs look next week."

We started talking about my pending transplant. She was very excited for me that I have been on the waiting list for a year! This is great news. "Do you have a living donor?" - Yes, probably. You know how life and God can always throw things in the paths of people who aren't expecting it? At this point, yes but who knows in 6 month or more.
My possible donor could have so many things happen. So while we wait and pray for that situation we also know that things happen. We would all understand, because it is a life long decision for that person as well. We may have to wait for a deceased donor kidney, that could take 2-5 years from when listed on UNOS (or longer, or shorter).
So what is our next step with my kidney function so low? PD. At home, peritoneal dialysis. I got to see all the equipment again and learn a bit about how it works. My doctor said, "We may only have to do it for 6 months, but it could be needed for longer". So at this point we could have to start this in a month or two.

This is kind of scary, yet it is expected. This is what I have been planning to do for years. Now the reality could be around the corner. I also know, in the back of my mind, we may not need to do this at all.

I may need to ask for a bit more help, but my plan is to save all that help for after I have my transplant! To think I will be at the mercy of friends and family for at least 6 weeks after transplant is mind boggling. I know that my family and friends will take care of me, but I just see how it is my job to take care of you.

God gave me the passion to serve, when I am able. He put me here to give my all, even if I have to take a nap because my body is wearing out. Know that my soul and intentions will never give up. I will be here, doing what I know how to do! So if you need a friend, give me a call. God created me to love you and serve you.